


Normally

by imnotveryshort



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian, Romance, Underage Drinking, british girl, highschool, southern U.S., swedish girl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-04 06:53:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14014641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotveryshort/pseuds/imnotveryshort
Summary: This is my own story (as in it's it not from a fandom), it's totally shit but whatever.Childhood friends slowly fall in love until one of them moves away. When she returns she finds that the love of her life isn't the same person anymore.





	1. Long Lost Somethings

**Author's Note:**

> This is a really shitty story, but I might as well start somewhere.

The bass was going insane in this song, causing me to bounce around even more than I would normally do. Some guy I was dancing with accidentally touched my boob. Normally I'd let it slide but he lingered a little too long. So I slapped his hand away playfully and gave him a little smirk. I turned to another boy and ground my hips against him and took another chug from that wonderful  _wonderful_  bottle. Missio blasted from the speakers and low lights bounced on the skin. From under the haze of vodka and great music I heard the boy from my last dance call me a slut. Normally I'd let that slide too, I mean it's not like it's the first time I've been called that, but, I was under the influence so... I beat the shit out of him. 

I woke up on a couch, I didn't think it was my own, but who knows. It could've just been some guys I slept with. I looked around and saw I was surprisingly still at the party,  I guess it was my couch then. So I hadn't been drugged and raped, fascinating. God my head was  _pounding_ , I couldn't even hear the music. I was fucking wasted. Through the overall pain in my head, I could feel a worse pain in my eye, I seriously hoped I wouldn't have a black eye tomorrow. 

I saw on the couch across from me there was the boy I beat up, he wasn't that much older than me, maybe a senior? But he looked god awful... one of his fingers was at an awkward angle. Cringing, I turned away. I tried to sit up but someone pushed me back down, squinting I tried to see who it was.

"You got really drunk Svea..." I froze. I couldn't see who it was, but I knew. Oh, I fucking  _knew_. She was back.  _Sera-fucking-Fina was back._  

"I swear to god don't you touch me. And don't you  _dare_  call me that name." Her still lingering hand vanished from my shoulder. 

.Svea what has happened? What have I missed?" Cringing again as she said the name, I turned away. "Please..." Pity filled Sera's voice

"I'm not  _her_  anymore, ok? So I don't need you to say her name nor do I need you  _god damn pity_." I shoved away nausea and Sera as I got up and grabbed a new bottle off the end table and took another swig. I wasn't about to let that backstabbing British twat tell me what I'm doing is wrong, whether it is or not. 

"I think it's time you leave my party,  _Fina_ ," I told her over my shoulder. It was a low blow at what her mum used to call her, but at least she knew her mum had loved her. “Please stop drinking Sam.” Then Serafina walked out the door. Normally I would regret what I said and run after her.

.There was a lot of stuff I normally did that I didn’t do anymore.

~

I walked away even though it hurt, She'd been drunker than I'd ever seen her, her accent so thick I could barely understand her words even without her slurring. Svea truly wasn’t the same person as she used to be, the person I climbed up on top of those bleachers with. I walked through the bushes to the house next door. We were no longer what we were. I didn’t know what we were before, but now… I didn’t know her at all.  
“How was it?” Myla asked. We had been having a sleepover before the Bjornar party started.  
“I saw an old friend,” Myla was the only friend I had since coming back from Britain.  
“You make it sound as if that's a bad thing.”  
“Yeh…”  
“What. What happened? Okay, something happened.”  
“Naw, I’m fine, Just really really  _really_  stressed.” I plopped down on the side of the bean bag chair Myla was using. Myla shoved me off and I dropped onto the floor, unwilling to get back up, and gazed at the pocked ceiling.  
“Don’t worry, we can figure it out!”  
“She isn’t t' same person as before.” I moaned dejectedly.  
“Who was it?” I hesitated but decided to tell her.  
“ It was… ugh, it was Sam.”  
“Oh..” I couldn’t understand the look on her face, how did she know who Sam was? I mean she was always pretty popular, but Myla was a new student who knew the last name of maybe a total of ten kids.  
“Yeh…”  
“Well, you did miss a lot of st-”  
“Yeah! I see that.” I suddenly snapped, who was Myla to know anythin' about Jo! She didn’t know her!  
“Sorry, sorry, I’m just saying that I think you should find out about what you missed before trying to be her friend again.”  
“How do you know I want t' know her again? Say I did though, want to be her friend again, I should find everythin' out from her. N' sorry I snapped, I’m just really stressed. ” It was hard to stay angry when everything was this sad.  
“It’s ok. So what I was saying is that capital S Shit happened, I heard she's basically an orphan now. She drinks like all the time. Hangs out with like all the bad people. She’s got a drug addict as a best friend." She shrugged, "I mean, you’ve seen her.” She made a hand gesture, that I was pretty sure meant  _I have a ton of other gossips about her, but I’m guessing you don’t really wanna hear it now, but don’t worry I will find some way to gossip with you soon_ , Damn, how can someone convey a whole compound sentence with just their hands? Without using ASL of course.  
But I hadn’t heard about any of this “What happened? And how d' ye know this about her? Last I checked you never talked to Sam.”  
“Honestly, everyone’s heard the rumors about her, even the new kids like me. Also, we have band class together!” She smiled cheekily, I sighed. I originally wanted to avoid her when I came back. But she was a black hole. Also, it’s kinda hard to avoid her when we have nearly all our classes together, pass each other all the time in the halls, and live next door.  
“Ehhhh…” I moaned “...Maybe I should’ve just stayed in Britain.”  
“Then you wouldn’t have met me! Silly!”  
I laughed and we went to our sleeping bags. It was hard not t' be optimistic with Myla, but tears still pricked my eyes as I listened to the bass thumping through our neighborhood... I didn’t know what to do. I had spent two whole years trying to forget about Svea, Sam. And now here I was, all ready basically stalking her and trying to figure out how to get her to like me again. I deserved her hatred though, I abandoned her. The splotchy purple designs around my room did nothing to calm me, and I drifted off to a fitful sleep.

 ~

I hate her, I’m just trying to console Leah, but I keep seeing Sera staring at me. I purposely ignore her and look down at the shit lunch the school hands out. Too stressed, I throw away my lunch and focus on Leah. She’s having a bad day today, she hasn’t touched her food and I feel scared. I hate myself more than I could ever hate Sera. I can’t even help my best friend. Leah starts to shake for seemingly no reason, I look around for the cause and see a teacher with dark hair, it's not her dad, of course, who’s walking by, but Leah is terrified of him anyway. Her PTSD taking more control of her, I want to hug her and comfort her, but rather than worsen it I Gingerly touch her hand and draw her attention. She looks at me and I motioned my head towards the bathroom across the hall. Leah nods and I get up. In the corner of my eye, I see Sera bounce up and down and gesture for us to come over, the dumbass probably thinks that I'm walking to her table. I turned away, not even being able to look at Sera for more than a moment. I thought I was over her, I guess I was wrong, I need to work on myself more, I don’t have time for feelings. The first time I had seen her in two years had been when she barreled into me after turning a corner. I had instantly tried to help her before realizing who it was. She never even hinted she was coming back from Britain, I guess she didn’t have my contacts anymore, but still. We realized who the other person was at the same time as I handed her her notebooks, we stared at each other for what seemed like forever, everything was still around us. Then in a flash, I got up and ran. Only thing I regret is not punching her.

~

I got up, I thought Svea had been heading over to me but instead she went to the bathroom. I knew I shouldn't follow her, but I just couldn’t stay here anymore, I needed to talk to her. I felt Myla try to pull me back down but it was too late I was already getting up.  
I could smell the smoke before I even got in the bathroom, someone was smoking some major shit. I prayed that it wasn’t Svea. I walked in and saw a sallow-faced kid and Svea standing on the toilets passing a blunt over the stall walls. When they heard me they both ducked.  
“You smoke now, too,  _Sam_?”I put as much emphasis on Sam as I could, I immediately regretted doin' that, I was better than that, but Svea just caused my brain t' go haywire.  
“ _Fan ni_  Sera.”  
“ _Vad hände_?” This was a mistake.  
“I see you learned some Swedish, ya  _kuk_.” This was a mistake.  
“Just that, I googled it t' period before because I wanted t' ask ye in yer own language.” I had to stifle a cough, god there was so much smoke  
“Pronunciation sucks.”  
“I’ll just go, it was a mistake for me t' come in here. it’s clear you don’t care about me…”  
“ _Helvete_  Fin, if it's one of us that doesn't care, it' obviously you.” The door to her stall opened up and Svea was fuming. “ _You_  left  _me_!” I couldn't breathe. I did.

Her face crumpled as she realized what she'd said. A whimper sounded from the other stall and Svea remembered she still had the blunt. Glaring at me, Svea knocked on Leah’s door, she waited a bit while glaring even harder at me. The door opened and Svea gave the weed to Leah before stepping into the stall and closing the door behind her.  
“ _Det ar dags att lamna._ ”  
“I’m guessin' you just asked me t' leave?” I got no response. “I missed you, Sam.” I sort-of whispered, but I knew she heard. I stood there a little too long. I finally walked out of the bathroom only to run straight into Myla.  
“JESUS, SERA! You can’t run off like that! You need to control yourself! Come with me.” Myla grabbed my hand “ We are going to make a plan.”  
Myla dragged me down the hall before into the empty swimming pool room thing, and then into the locker room. She still didn’t think this was enough and went to the storage room.  
“You're gay.” She didn’t ask, she just said it matter of factly, like that wasn’t my whole life. I had tried to hide it but clearly not well.  
“What? No...“ I said too sheepishly  
“Don’t try to deny it. I know it. And I know that you and Sam used to be more than friends, I have a really good gaydar for some reason." What the fuck am I supposed to say to this? I hadn't even come out to like anyone. And more than that she specifically knew about Sam and me?  
“But how did you know about me and Sam?” It still felt weird to say, Sam.  
“I’ve seen you staring at that short-haired, high cheek boned goddess all day. You also left our slumber party to go to her party and try and find her, but then you were sad that you saw her.” Svea really was some kind of Nordic Goddess, she was even more beautiful than when I left, she had grown into her little body and looked more like a small Viking finally, instead of just a really short blond haired chick. I was surprised to see she had cut her hair into a boys style and bleached it when I first saw her, but it looked  _fantabuloso_  on her. I still had my black bob and green eyes, my body was still fairly lanky. She looked so much hotter than me.  
“Frick.”  
"Yep, I got you good girly.”  
“Are you, like, ok? With me? You know being a lesbian?” My eyes kind of fazed out for a second, I don't think I'd ever actually said lesbian out loud before.  
“Not everyone down here is religious and backward.”  
“Just, most…” I said half joking.  
“And my family is originally from Hawai'i, and they never really had an opinion on gays.”  
“So what was it that ye wanted t' plan or whatever,” I asked remembering that's what she originally said.  
“Well, it's clear that the both of you are still soulmates so I want you to woo her back.”  
“But what if she hasn’t come out?”  
“I mean she never specifically said it, but I’m sure no one would be surprised.”  
“What about t' incident?” I remembered how Myla had heard tons of rumors about Sam already, had what we had done gotten out to everyone?  
“What incident? I only moved here a year ago so I haven’t heard about any ‘incident’.” She used air quotes when she said incident.  
“That's good, that means that it didn’t spread everywhere.” I breathed a sigh of relief and gagged as I smelled the rancid jerseys probably growing mold in the back of the room.  
“But what is this incident?  
“When we were freshmen, fourteen-year-olds. We kissed on top of t' gym bleachers once and we got caught. It was my first kiss with a girl, same with Sam. T' gym teacher screamed at us about bein' sinners. He shouted about us bein' faggots and dykes and whores, that we were goin' t' hell and would burn there for eternity, we were mistakes and God hated us.  
“I ran away and convinced my parents t' take us back t' London, we were already going to be moving back at t' end of the school year, but I convinced them t' do it right then. I was too scared t' even think about what would happen t' us. We lived there for two years before comin' back here again this year.  
“I didn’t even think about Sve-Sam until we were on t' plane, on our way t' Britain. I abandoned her.” I slipped on her name almost calling her Svea, it didn’t matter t' Myla but I felt I should respect her wishes “When I got back she was like this and I don’t know what t' do, I don’t know what happened t' her. I almost didn’t recognize her in t' halls, especially when she goes by a different name.”  
“fuck.”  
“Yeah.”  
We sat there for a while just staring at the musty old storage room around us and the old swimsuits before eventually starting our plan of wooing Svea back.

~

I was walking down the hall like normal heading to class again, Leah was to my left, I noticed someone else next to me, I turned slightly and saw beautiful raven hair. I walked a little faster, I did not want to talk to her, now or ever, she didn’t get it. I saw that she also picked up speed so I slowed down, she also did.  
“Ok, what do you want?”  
“To talk to you.”  
“I don’t want to.”  
“Please? We haven’t talked in two years, Sam.”  
“Oh, and that's my fault?”  
“No.” I pulled at my hair and rushed away from her and waited at the next class for Leah. I hate her.

~

“Plan doesn’t work, time t' give up.” I said to Myla, eye-fockin' Sam from across the lunchroom.  
“Stalking her in the halls once doesn’t count as a try.”  
“Yeah, it does! I did a lot of hard work!”  
“You walked next to her for two minutes and then asked to talk, then she turned you down and you left. Hmmm, yes, I see, you just won over her heart.” I growled at her, “Just say hi! give her a friendly wave, you know? Start out platonic and work from there. I mean, if she ever even bothers to talk to you anyway, and that's how it should be, her talking to you. Please don’t go up to her and start a heavy conversation again.”  
“I technically never really had a conversation with her,” I said with a smile and waggled finger guns at her.  
“Or try to,” Myla responded not moving an inch (figuratively, we were walking). ”Also don’t go crazy, you are  _really_ awkward around her. Don’t go overboard on a simple wave.” She smirked all smug and shit.  
“Oh come on, don't you have _any_ faith in me?”  
“Alright, she's looking over here, just smile at her.” I tossed a smile over t' Sam but Myla smacked me in the back of the head. “You look horrendous! What kinda smile is that?” I rubbed my neck and glared at Myla. She didn’t have to do it so _hard_.  
Myla gestured back at Sam again who was holding back laughter. I made a face at Sam and she quickly tried to look serious. But we both ended up laughing. It seemed like a great start but then I saw the druggie whisper something to Sam and she immediately stood up and carried both of their stuff as they left the lunchroom.

  
The next days were mainly the same, sometimes Sam never seemed to see me, or anyone besides the druggie. Just staring, into the void, the blue in her eyes was silent and screaming at the same time. It hurt me to see. On other days she just glared at me. But slowly the days where she smiled back, however meekly, started t' outnumber the glares. I still didn’t know what t' do about the void though, no matter how much progress I had with the glares, she was still fifty-fifty with the darkness.  
It was my fault that she was like this, we shouldn’t have kissed, I shouldn’t have left her to herself, to the world. She faced it by herself and lived, she didn't overcome it though, and it was all my fault. We should have faced it together, but instead, I left her.  
I abandoned her.


	2. A Little Tipsy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Svea/Sam throws another party and they get a little more drunk than they should. Sera learns more about Svea/Sam.

There was another party at the Bjornars’, I guess it wasn’t the Bjornars’ anymore if only one of 'em lived there. It is just the Bjornar party I guess or Sam’s party.  
The music thumped throughout the whole neighborhood and I resisted the urge to go to the party. I should stay at my house and play video games online with Myla and her friends. Myla was slowly introducing 'em to me, and my group of friends was gradually growing.  
I was about to join an online party when I heard a knock on my door. I didn’t feel like getting up so instead, I just watched the reeds of a plant sway in the breeze from the fan. The leaves looked so pretty against the green and wood of our ceiling' and walls. Our house was tropically decorated because my father lived on an island for a year and suddenly thought he was the most cultured person ever.  
My gaze wandered out the window and saw the tiny but immensely strong Sam on top of a man, another man drifted into view and he picked up a girl as well. Then they started to chicken fight. For a moment I got scared for Sam, she was surrounded by glass and other people that she could fall on and hurt herself. But I quickly remembered who I was talking about as Sam shoved the girl off and onto a couch behind them, and swung her legs out and kicked the man. The doorbell rang again, I hardly noticed, I was too busy staring at Sam's peaking midriff, and her gorgeously toned thighs. The man spun around and I saw that on her other side were weird looking marks under her shirt, and a few spaced around her leg.  
Someone holding down the buzzer jarred me from my thoughts. I ran to the door and threw it open as fast as I could, ready to tell whoever it was off. I ripped open the door only to see one of Myla's friends standing there innocently.   
“Jesus! You scared me, Mat!” Mat stood there with a lonely flower held out to me, remembering that I was about to scream at him I scratched the back of my neck feeling guilty. “What are you doing here?”  
“Well, I was heading to the party and decided, uh, that I’d see if you would go- with me?” He said hopefully. It was meant to be for me to go to the party, no avoiding it now. Nevermind that I didn't even really try to avoid it.  
“Is that a flower from my garden?” Mat was holding a single cyclamen flower.  
“uhh- yes? I picked it when I was waiting for you to answer the door. Look, you're really cute. Please just go to the party with me.” He held out the cyclamen to me, he had composed himself and looked tall and confident. I admit he was pretty cute, he had ripped jeans with his ebony skin contrasting against the lightness of the jeans. He had an Aerosmith tee on that looked pretty cool. I wasn’t interested in him by any means but I didn’t see the harm in going to one party with him.  
“Don’t do it again, my da' is picky with his garden.” I took the flower and stepped outside. He smiled at me and we walked over to the party. I put the cyclamen behind one ear and without thinking grabbed a still-lingering rose from the garden and put it behind the other ear.   
“I thought you didn’t want any flowers to be picked?” I just shrugged and he let out a low little laugh, I don't know if it was a real laugh but it felt good.

 ~ 

Fuck. Shes here. I don’t want her to see me like this. I'm wasted. Leah has been staying home recently, and I feel like shit. There's nothing I can do, the only thing I'm good at doing is drinking away my problems, I still remember them anyway so I guess I'm not that great at it anyway. I grab another worthless bottle, still gonna try to forget anyway. I can’t imagine how Leah feels right now.

  
I miss Ma and Papa, Ma was supposed to have come back by now, with a check to pay for school. I have to pay for everything else by myself other than school now. Ma and Papa hate me because I’m gay. I hate myself cause I'm gay. It's wrong.

  
There's a wood cabinet in front of me, it's my secret stash of yet even more alcohol. I grab another bottle. I pop off the top. I’m about to take a sip but I smell it. Its sweet, nutty, not strong. I dizzily drop onto the couch, everything is a blur around me. 

  
I stare at the bottle of liquor for I don’t know how long. Someone sits next to me on the couch.  
“You still have t' Amaretto.” It's Sera, of course, she's here.   
“I almost drank it on accident.”  
“Oh my god, Sam! You could have died!” I smile meekly and hand It to Sera. But she just frowns at it.  
“Jesus, is that still too much alcohol?” She nods. I find it kind of ironic, seeing as she already sounds a little drunk too. But I walk over to the bar and open the fridge anyway. On the top shelf, I find some almond milk and pour it into a glass. I hold a hand out behind me and without question, the bottle is placed inside of it. I fill the rest of the glass with it and stir it.  
“So sorry I don’t like alcohol.” She says sarcastically with a hint of a dark laugh. I stick my tongue out at her like the little kid I wish I still was.

I look out at the stars through the window for who knows how long, fading into the dark.  
“Sam…” Fin taps me lightly on the shoulder, bringing me back to the present. “You left.” She taps her head to convey that she meant my brain, and not physically as she had done. I had wandered into the clouds again. I look at her glass and see that she downed it, and she also downed the bottle. Something I had never seen her do before, a sick little part of me was proud. She was clearly very tipsy, almost full on drunk. I had never seen her drunk. I didn’t know what to make of it. “Sorry…” I grabbed another bottle, this time for her, she looked like she needed it as much as me.  
“I can’t believe you kept my Amaretto this whole time.”  
“Two years of staring at it never could manage to get the strength to drink it, there is like no alcohol in that stuff, it would be like drinking almond water.”  
“Hey!”  
“Hey what?”  
“I dun say stoff ‘bout yer drinkin'!” I laugh a little at the complete lie.  
“Actually you do, every time.”  
“Ok, bot I dun criticize yer choices.”  
“Actually you totally do that as well.”  
“Heck.” God, she sounds like a toddler when she's drunk.  
“That the worst swear you’ll say too, _fitta_?”  
“I says t’ F-word.” I faked a yawn and she growled.

  
We were both drunk now. What were we doing to each other? My hand found its way onto hers, just the fingers touching. I lifted my hand and grazed her cheek as I lifted the rose from her ear. I picked off a single blood-red petal as I whispered; “I hate roses.”

I dropped the petal. Fin lifted her hand to take back the flower. I sniffed the flower, it had no scent. It was empty on the inside. I carefully handed the flower back to her. Cutting myself on thorns in the process of making sure that it did not cut her.  
God. I'm not thinking clearly.  
Sera looked at the rose, it had a bit of my blood on it. My hands and wrists trembled a little, why was I doing that? She frowned. Then she crushed the petals and let them slide to the floor. I relaxed into the back of the couch.  
“What flowers do you like?” I hesitated before telling her. I felt weak for having a favorite flower.  
“Arbutus.”  
We sat like that for a while.  
My hand eventually found her fingertips again. I laid my fingers over hers lightly.  
I don’t think she even noticed it, but I would still regret it in the morning, that is, if I remembered at all.

Serafina adjusted herself a little and her hand twitched, I started to move my hand away but she grabbed it. Overcome with feelings I couldn’t face, I tore my hand away, harder than I should’ve  
“I-I’m sorry…” Then I disappeared into the crowd.

 ~

“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” I cringed as I ran into Mat, I'd completely forgotten I was supposed to be at the party with him.  
“Sorry I kinda split, Mat,” I was such an awful person.  
“It's ok, I talked to some of my tech friends.”  
“Look, Mat.” He gritted his teeth, probably knowing where this was going. “Yeh, sorry... t'aint gonna work.” I gave him a sad smile “I’m gonna go home, text me if ye need anythin'. I would drive you home, but I’m a bit tipsy.”  
“It's ok," He looked defeated, "have a good night Sera.”  
I walked home and went to my room, almost tripping on the stairs. I went and sat on my orchid purple bed. The painted orchids and splotches of purple on my walls looked blurry. I checked to see if I had taken my contacts out without remembering. But then I realized it was because I was crying.  
It was four am now. Everyone had left from the party. I had been staring out my window for three hours. I couldn’t sleep so I went onto my computer, suddenly I got an idea of something I could do so I ordered next day shipping. Then I continued to stare at what, or who, I had been staring at.  
Svea was just sitting there, on top of her roof. She hadn’t moved since she had sat down, she could be dead, but I could see her shoulders quake every once in a while.  
I fell asleep in my chair watching her.


	3. wha d'i miss?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tragedy strikes and Sam and Sera grow closer. The "calm" before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like ten people have seen this, that's kinda cool. If you want I have this chapter and like one or two after this but I still have to do some heavy editing cause this whole story was like a one shot a few months ago that I crapped out in like three or four days.

“Write.”  
“What?”  
“Write.” I tossed a notebook and pen onto the lunch table in front of Sam.  
“Why?”  
“I read that its good for you to express yer shit on paper. So, I want you to write. Like 24/7 until you are normal.”  
“So I’m not normal then? You’re such a _Kuk_.”  
“I’m not gonna pretend that you are normal Svea, you never were. That's not a bad thing Sam. But you are less normal than before.” She looked mad at me for shovin' that Svea into it, but she didn't say anythin'. Thank god. “I’m gonna go eat.” I hopped into line, leavin' Sam dumbfounded.  
She got up and beat me gettin' into line, she was a lot more fit than me, she was faster just walkin'. Sam got a single tray and loaded it up, after payin' she slid it over to Leah at the lunch table. I was still in line to pay, I was expectin' Sam to get back up and get her meal. But instead, she remained sittin' and let Leah eat her whole meal.  
It was then that I realized that she wasn’t just thin, she was _thin_. So like any good friend, I got back in line and bought another tray. The fugly lunch lady glared at me, but technically it wasn’t against the rules. I went back to my smelly table, more people sat there now. There were Mat and Myla and now there was Tina, Josephine, Claudius, and two kids I hadn’t been introduced to yet. They were all Myla’s friends, they were good people.  
After settin' down my tray I took the other to Sam, I set it down in front of Sam and walked back to my table without a word.  
I ran home that day rather than walkin'. I expected somethin' on my doorstep and couldn’t wait to open it. I passed Sam’s house, no lights were on. She isn’t home. Good. I climbed up our houses green painted stairs, and breathed heavily, winded from runnin' that far.  
There it was, a box about one foot tall and a foot wide. I unlocked the door and quickly ran inside and grabbed scissors and a bow from our wrappin' paper. I tore apart the box with fervor. I wrapped the bow around the neck of a wooden owl, it was very simple and smooth, carved out of beautiful arbutus wood.  
Sam and I used to climb through each other's windows, and I knew she had a ledge on the outside of her window. I raced inside once again and grabbed a drawstrin' bag. I stuffed the owl into it, its head stickin' out watchin' my back.  
I raced over to the trellis on the side of Sam’s house. I climbed up despite the extra weight and difficulty this owl was givin' me. I sat on her ledge and just looked for a little bit. I see why she sits up here. It's quite beautiful, you can see the lake to the left, and the forest stretchin' into the distance. I took a deep breath and felt the peace that was associated with this roof. After takin' that nice breather I took off the bag, almost fallin' off the ledge due to how small it was. I lifted the owl and set it down. Sam’s favorite color was clearly still blue, she had been in the middle of redecoratin' her room when I left. I saw through the window that her walls had been finished bein' painted, it was ocean themed and had jellyfish and creatures hangin' from the ceiling, blown-glass fish. And other odd relics of the ocean. There were so many blues and greens you could’ve disappeared into the walls if you had any blue t-shirt on, the shade didn’t matter. It was quite beautiful, but I still preferred my orchids and plants.  
Usin' our old way of leavin' messages I stuck a piece of wet dirt to the window markin' where the message was and then I fogged up my section and wrote my message, I knew she would find it. What I didn’t know was if she would listen to it.  
And then I nearly broke my ankles when I fell down from bein' startled by seein' Sam walkin' home. It didn’t seem that she saw or heard me so I raced back home as fast as I could (pretty slow) and hopped inside closing' the door with my brain bombardin' me with the paranoia of what if she saw me.  
My heart was thumpin' like crazy due to the fall, seein' her, runnin' back inside, and the anxiety of just givin' Sam a huge frickin' carved wooden owl (it was quite small actually).  
I sat on my bed readin' until it was time for bed.  
The next day was completely normal until I got to lunch. I bought two lunches in line and approached my table. I set down my tray and turned to Sam’s table. Already knew that Leah wasn’t here today for some reason. But I was shocked to see that Sam had disappeared and was no longer at the table. I swear that I had just seen her, I frantically scanned the tables, gettin' increasingly more scared for some reason. I was really worried about Sam, maybe somethin' had happened to Leah? Maybe somethin' had happened to Svea! What if she had gotten hurt, like in a car crash! Or maybe she ended it! What if she jumped off the cliff in the forest!  
“Boo,” Sam said nonchalantly behind me causin' me to jump three feet.  
“Oh my god! I thought you jumped off Lefty’s!”  
“I fell off that once…” When I looked absolutely horrified she added “Accidentally.” She looked completely calm, unlike me, my heart still goin' a mile a minute. For that matter, let's make it three miles a minute.  
“Holy shit! Were you ok?!” I was still really stressed but Sam just looked tired, in her body, mind, and soul.  
“Well, I mean, I’m here now.” She seemed hesitant to talk about it as if it wasn’t accidental. I could understand why she would be hesitant if it was not accidental, but I would also be hesitant if I fell off a cliff on accident and almost died too, so I didn’t judge her. I could see in her eyes that I shouldn’t push her. Sam turned so that she was almost completely facin' away. I thought she was goin' to just leave me there, but then she pulled down the armpit of her tank top, exposin' scars that got increasingly more brutal as they traveled down. There was one particularly bad one that was puckered inwards, it was a whole crater of missin' muscle and skin. A chunk of her got cut out. “Most days I contour my arm with makeup so they aren’t as noticeable, I’m surprised you didn’t say anything earlier with how often you stare at me.”  
“You always turn yerself so that fewer people can see that side.”  
“So I do.” Instead of saying' anythin' else she grabbed my arm and pulled me to the back corner of the lunchroom. She no longer looked as nonchalant. Back here there was less light and the one good one was actually flickering' half the time. No one sat back here. “Here we are. Now we can talk.” She put tons of emphasis on the word talk, makin' me wish I hadn’t have given her that owl.  
“Ok… So I want to know what I missed. Like where yer parents actually are” pain flickered in her eyes for the briefest of moments, but I continued “ Are you out, have you had any girlfriends/boyfriends? Who is Leah, do you have any other friends? And anythin' else you can think of that you can tell me or want to tell me.”  
“That's a lot of demands, after all, it's your fault that you don’t know any of this.” I flinched as she slapped me with those two words. She stared me down, eyes made out of cool blue stone. Like a piece of kyanite.  
“I know that, but now I’m tryin' to make an effort to learn what I missed.”  
“You shouldn’t have left me like that, Fin.”  
“I was scared, now please talk to me.” I pleaded with her. I regretted sayin' I was scared, I knew it was the wrong thing to do. But I needed answers and I didn’t want to wait anymore, I had been so worried for two years, prayin' nothing' had happened. But now I was back and it was clear, shit had happened.  
“Fine.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Ma and Papa are in Sweden, I didn’t lie about that, I just didn’t give you the whole truth. Papa left permanently and left Ma living here. Although she basically lives in Sweden for eleven months and twenty-six days out of the year. She is still technically a resident here. She just comes to give me some money to make sure I don’t die so they won’t go to jail.”  
“And this is because you're gay?”  
“Yeh.” She said it without feeling, her eyes lookin' less like kyanite and more like blue diamonds, I could literally see before my eyes as her walls were brought back up, this conversation wouldn’t last much longer. “I’ve dated. And Leah. Leah was my friend and then… something happened to her. She smokes to feel better and sometimes I smoke with her to have her feel less alone.”  
“Did you do that this mornin'?”  
“Leah had a panic attack and I tried to calm her down, I gave her some weed to smoke to feel better, but she wouldn’t do it. I got really stressed so yeah, I took a hit or a few. That a problem?”  
“No. No no. I just thought you smelled kinda smokey is all.” Sam frowned, clearly she wasn’t enSamyin' this conversation.  
“Once Leah started to smoke at school, all the friends I hung with on a regular basis stopped coming to my table. They still come to my parties though. Everyone comes to my parties.” She frowned again, this time at the hypocritical friends she used to have. “That's all you get to know for now.” Sam took a bite of an apple, the first thing I had seen her consume save alcohol in the weeks I had been back from Britain. She was too thin, she looked so painfully hungry but she only took a few bites of the apple. I don’t think she was doin' this on purpose, she had either dug an anorexic hole and didn’t know how to get back out. Or she was just too stressed and distracted she forgot to do the things that she needed.  
“You need to eat more,” I told Sam as she dumped half the apple into the trash and the rest of the food.  
“I'm’ not hungry.” She shrugged like she hadn’t even realized that she only ate like four bites of an apple “I ate breakfast this morning.” I knew she hadn’t. Her light had turned on in her room five minutes before she stepped out the door. There was no way she had eaten in that short of time. I didn’t push her though.  
The bell rung and I pushed away from the table and stood. I waved goodbye to Sam and she nodded, then I caught up with Myla and Mat.  
“What happened?”  
“I talked with Sam.”  
“And…”  
“She is completely closed up, she told me about her parents only because she knew I had heard t' rumors.”  
“Damn.”  
“Yeah.”  
“That's still progress, you still have a lot to go. But that's progress that she told you anythin', she never talks to anyone apart from her parties.”  
“It seems like people only care about her for her parties.”  
“Everyone wants to get in her pants, but they don’t want to be around Leah in case she gets busted.”  
“That's so sad.”  
“You gotta admit that you would do the same if you weren’t so in love.”  
“No!”  
“You have yet to sit by or talk to Leah.”  
“I have never been invited!”  
“You never asked!” She may be right, I didn’t want her to be though. “You gotta show that you are willing' to be around Leah, and then you should get some actual progress.”  
“I thought I had already made progress!”  
“Not really, I was just trying to be optimistic.”  
“I totally made progress! She showed me her scars!”  
“You can see those just looking at her, that's not special.” I huffed and looked down at the floor of the hallway.  
“You two are too cute.” Sam’s voice scared me so much that I dropped my books. My face turned so red I matched the school color scheme. I quickly reached down to pick 'em up, but a hand with rings quickly snaked through my arms and grabbed my books before I was even halfway there. God, she was fast.  
“Thanks. Oh, I never noticed yer rings, Sam.” She looked down without meeting my eyes.  
“Makes my punches more effective.” She said glancin' down at the beautifully handmade rings, they had bits of twisted metal curlin' away from her fingers, a punch with that would be brutal, Jesus...  
“Oh…”  
“I need to get to class now, and you two need to make sure I’m not literally a foot away when you start talking about me.” My face turned even darker. Her kyanite and diamond eyes were inches from mine, I glanced down to her lips but quickly looked back up. She had such luscious lips. I met her eyes and she smirked, knowin' the effect she had on me.  
She walked into the next class leavin' me awestruck by her beauty and speed. She was really fit for someone who didn’t get enough energy. Heck, she was just plain fit, she probably used to work out before all this weight accumulated on her shoulders. I walked down the red painted halls until I got to my class.  
I continued to get her trays durin' lunch and offered to sit at the table a few times, normally Leah didn’t want any company or Sam didn’t want me there. So I never got to sit there. We didn’t talk for another week.

 

 

I walk into the bathroom. I go into the last stall and stand on the toilet, I reach up and pull down a ceiling time, underneath there is a stash of whiskey. I don’t like whiskey that much, but it's all I have left up there. I take a swig and don’t wince like I used to. God. When did I start drinking at school? I don’t even remember when I put the alcohol back up there. Once when we were kids, Fin and I had found the spot and had hidden some really light alcohol in there, we would drink it to feel cool. Now I was  
drinking it every week. I didn’t even feel the substance as it poured down my throat, I didn’t feel the burn anymore. I was just waiting for the sweet release of feeling nothing. I had gotten good at hiding being drunk. Only Leah could ever tell, and she was usually too high to know anything going on around her. I took a few more swigs  
before stashing it back in the ceiling, the passing period was almost over and I knew we were going to be late.  
“Sam…” I heard Leah reluctantly call to mjty54fc  me.  
“Something wrong, honey?” I grit my teeth waiting for the inevitable.  
“I wanna go home.” Just like always.  
“You sure?” She was always sure when she asked. But I so wished she wasn’t, I had an important chem test today. I opened the door of the stall and saw Leah nod. She had refused to take her meds this morning so it was inevitable she would want to leave.

  
We left and I took her to her brother's house. She had moved in with him to get away from the monster. When we got to the house Ken was already sitting on the porch waiting. He knew that this would’ve happened today too, we all did. I sat outside her bedroom door, my head in my hands. As I listened to Leah scream from inside. She was having a huge panic attack thanks to someone setting off firecrackers next door. It was always horrible when this happened, her PTSD going off the charts. Ken would have to force her to take a sedative, which would always make her worse until she passed out. She would just sit in the corner crying, scared of us, fearing for her life, completely terrified.  
Until the sedative eventually knocked her out.  
The screaming suddenly died down and I heard Leah whimper quietly. I stood up and opened the door. Leah’s room was yellow, very happily decorated. It was very at odds with all that happened inside of it. I approached Ken, he had just finished getting her to take the sedative. I didn’t see Leah anywhere. He pointed at the tightly shut closet and I nodded. I walked over to the closet and turned around.  
Ken pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and cocked his head. I nodded again and he quickly left the room.  
I went to the window and closed it before his smoke would waft into the room. I went back to the closet and inched it open.  
Upon seeing me, Leah calmed down ever so slightly more. Her brown hair was dirty and knotted, and her chest heaved.  
I sat next to her on the floor, making sure to leave plenty of room between us. I placed my hand next to hers, letting the side of my pinky brush against hers. Then I waited.  
I woke up with Leah on my lap, fast asleep. She looked so peaceful, I tried not to move as not to wake her. It was night now, maybe ten pm, maybe two am, who knows. I looked back at Leah hesitantly, her cheeks were so shallow, she was dying and we all knew it. She couldn’t make it half a day without both pill medication and medical marijuana. That man had destroyed her whole life. I filled with rage and imagined throwing him against the walls and choking him to death the way I had always wanted to.

Slowly, I scooped Leah up and laid her on the bed, I took her favorite princess blanket from when she was a kid and gently placed it on top of her and tucked her in. I kissed the top of her head. Then I went downstairs.  
Ken was nowhere to be found so I walked outside. I saw a tiny glowing circle in the air and walked towards it as my eyes adjusted. After a few steps, I could clearly see Ken standing there. I looked down and saw that he had grabbed some bottles. For me I assumed, he didn't drink. I silently picked one up, not caring to even see what it was, it could have been bleach for all I knew. But I drank it. Ken and I silently stood there, succumbing to our weaknesses side by side, while our best friend and sister slowly decayed as she lived, just a few rooms away.

 ~

Every night I saw Svea on the roof but knew better than to call to her, or do somethin' else stupid. I always just sat and stared at her through my window before fallin' asleep. Every night I watched helplessly as her shoulders quaked and I wished I could put my arm around 'em.  
Every night I saw tears cascade down her pale face, illuminated by the shinin' moon.

I was scared tonight.  
She was on the roof, but just standin' there. Not movin'. Shoulders still. When she occasionally turned from watchin' the forest, I saw that her face was dry. Blank, and utterly completely dry.  
I cried tonight, I don’t normally cry. It feels weird. It feels unnatural to cry, but I cried.  
And sobbed.  
I wished I hadn’t left, hadn’t left her.  
I wished that I had and that I’d stayed in Britain.  
I wished and wished and wished so many different things.  
But I’ve never believed in wishes, I only believed in cold hard facts, Svea was always the one to believe in stuff like astrology and shooting' stars, mythology, and superstition.  
But.  
I wished.

 

 

I can see the cliff before me,  
A sudden wind pushes at me.  
It feels less like a wind from  
Behind pushing me, and more like  
Something pulling at me from over  
The cliff. I know that can’t happen,  
But that's what it feels like. Suddenly  
The wind yanks at my pocket and pulls  
Out my notebook. I lunge for the gift and  
Hear a crack, as I feel the rock give out from  
Under me.

 

I look up, I had fallen asleep for a second in the windowsill. I looked for Sam but didn’t see her, she was probably in her room. So I looked at her window and saw that the bug net was still taken down, meanin' she was still out.  
I scanned the roof, startin' to worry. I scan the ground and see her oversize pink Stockholm Sweatshirt snagged on a thorn bush. I knew she’d had it tied around her waist so I start to freak a little more. I opened my window and my heart raced as I realized that Svea had always been the one to take down the nets and that I did not know how to take down mine. I took my pencil off the desk and stabbed into the net, I dragged it down and tore a huge hole through it. I vaulted myself through the window not caring' about the drop. I landed hard and my ankles flared with hate from droppin' from two stories twice in too short of a time. I slammed down onto my knees, not knowin' how else I was supposed to ease my landin'. Pain shot through my whole body and I could already feel the terrible bruises forming'.  
I stood up slowly, hoping I hadn’t actually damaged anythin'. Nothin' hurt bad enough to keep me from runnin', so I ran as fast as I could -which isn’t that fast because I am both slow and in pain- to the only place I could think of her bein'.  
The cliff came into view through the trees. I was breathin' hard and very raggedly. Svea was nowhere to be found. I sat down and leaned against a tree catching' my breath. I whimpered with fear, imaginin' what I might see if I peeked over the cliff edge.  
I whimpered louder. I was in disbelief and shock.  
All the sudden I heard a hoarse voice whisper from the cliff  
“Fin…?” I couldn’t believe it, I must be hallucinatin', in denial of what happened. I read somewhere that that can happen to you after you see a loved one die. Just in case, I crawled over to the edge and squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could. I heard a grunt and I opened my eyes.  
There she was. One hand hangin' onto a root, the other caught between two rocks.  
“Svea!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.  
“I’m right here! Fuck! Can you please pull me up now?” She winced as I basically screamed right into her ear. Her voice was really hoarse. She had probably been screamin' for a long time. But no one could hear her this far into the woods at this time of night.  
I quickly laid down on my belly and grabbed her wrist. I lifted it to the edge, I knew that she was strong enough to lift herself from there, but her arm was still stuck. Workin' quickly I freed her hand and she hoisted herself up. We laid pantin' on the edge of the cliff, even though we hadn’t done much physical exertion, our minds were completely spent.  
“Sorry I scared you… I didn’t plan on falling…”  
“Another accident?” It was hard not to be mad at her.  
“Ok, maybe there's a tiny chance that it was intentional the last time. But this time my notebook flew away and the rock gave way.” By now we had stood up and had moved into the tree line. She calmly walked over to the edge of the cliff, even after fallin' and almost dyin' twice at this cliff, she still wasn’t scared. I hesitantly walked over and stayed a close distance from the edge. She pointed at a small grassy knoll at the bottom of the cliff, about a hundred feet down. It wasn’t rocky except for a big chunk that was broken apart, it had clearly just landed there. To make sure she wasn’t lying' I kicked at the ground and part of the soft shale completely crumbled and Examined the rocks at the knoll.  
“How long were you there?”  
“I don’t know…”  
“Really?”  
“I think I blacked out at some point.”  
“Omg! Ye could have a concussion! We need t’ get you t’ the hospital!” I started to freak out again, concussions can cause serious permanent damage!  
“Don’t be a worrywart, I think it was just from the shock or something, no need to worry. And you are not taking me to the hospital!” She whispered the next sentence. “I’ve already spent too much time there thanks to this cliff.” I nodded, she knew what was best I guess.  
“What happened? Last time I mean…”  
“I tripped after taking like a break from a long walk. I was like resting on the edge.” She was lyin', she only said like when she was lyin'. It was an attempt to sound more American or somethin'. I’m the only one who ever noticed, she lied so many people just thought she said like, like a normal American. “I hit some rocks on the way down and it slowed my fall, fucked up my side though. I landed in that grass place. There was one sharp rock that I landed on, it stabbed under my shoulder and left that crater, there’s still some rock inside there. I broke a lot of bones. I laid there for-” She suddenly choked up. “Maybe I’ll tell you later…” I was just glad that she had shared that much. I didn’t understand though, why she couldn’t just admit that she jumped.  
“If you don’t mind me askin', what led up to it?”  
“It was a week after you left, I hadn’t gone to school in days. Papa had left to go to Sweden a few days ago, and I learned that morning that he wasn’t ever coming back. Then Ma told me that she was going away for a while…”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“It’s not your fault, it's mine, I should’ve been stronger.”  
“It is my fault! I shouldn’t have ever left you.” Somehow she looked worse after I said that. Instead of agreein' she just, I don’t know. But it wasn’t the reaction I was expectin'. Hell, I would’ve rathered she spat on me and said she never wanted to see me again. Of course, I didn’t really want her to do that, but I hated how she was now because I didn’t understand it.  
“I don’t want you to ever feel bad because of something I did or one of my choices, hel, I don’t want you to ever feel bad Fin.” The wind picked up in the treetops and rifled through my short hair, it pushed off a few pebbles. Causin' me to remember that we were standin' at the top of a very tall cliff that’s rocks have been proven to give way at any given moment.  
“Let’s get away from here, and stay away.’  
“Agreed.” We turned around and walked back to our houses, at some point we ended up holdin' hands. As the houses came into view, I felt her hand tense up as she realized we were holdin' hands. She yanked her hand from mine and I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. She cleared her throat, breakin' the awkward silence.  
“Do you mind, if I sat here the night. At your house I mean. I don’t want to be alone right now…”  
“Of course, there is always an open invitation for you at my house.”  
“Thanks.”  
“No problemo.” We walked out of the tree line and into my yard. We stood under my window for probably five minutes, just starin' at it.  
“Been awhile since I’ve had to climb up here. Almost forgot how.”  
“I never understood how you did it.”  
“You were always awful at climbing, how did you get down?”  
“Jumped.”  
“You don’t know how to jump either!”  
“Yeah… Gonna be sore tomorrow.” She laughed and dragged the hose box over to the side of the house. She stood on it and jumped but she was a little too short. So she got down and Samgged over to the garden, then she turned around and sprinted for the house, she leaped onto the box and jumped. Reachin' a window that was taller than two of her stacked up. She grabbed the sill and pulled herself up, she stuck her head back out the window after climbin' in. Sam’s face juttin' out of my bleak grey house, was the only beautiful thing I could see. Her white hair fluttered in the breeze. There was nothin' you could compare her to, the Scandinavian goddess smirked at me.  
“You’re staring.” I averted my eyes and hoped she couldn’t see my face in the dark. “How did you know where to find me?”  
“I-uh” I tried to come up with an acceptable lie “I was out for… a stroll?”  
“How did you get worse at lying?” She laughed at my miserable excuse for a lie. “You were totally stalking me.”  
“No, I was just…”  
“Creep.”  
“Hey, I saved yer life!”  
“I’ll give you that, but please don’t make me call the cops on you.” She wagged her finger through the window before disappearin' into my room. I waited a few minutes, thinkin' that Sam had just abandoned me outside of my own house. I waited a few more minutes and then a wad of blankets was launched out the window and unfolded into a rope. “Climb up!” I grabbed onto the rope and climbed up the side of my house. I clambered in through the window and she pulled up the blanket/rope. “You broke your bug net.”  
“I know… I never watched to see how you did it…” She laughed at my stupidity. “Shit though, how did you jump that high?” She shrugged and started unknottin' her rope. She walked back over to the now shut window and fingered the torn net.  
“You worry too much Fin, Lighten up!”  
“You almost died.” she shrugged and I walked over to my dresser. “And I could say the same for you, about the lightenin' up. You probably spend more time on that roof than in yer actual house.” I tried to pass it off Samkingly, but my worry showed through. We both went silent until I heard her mutter creep under her breath and we both laughed. I grabbed two T-shirts and some shorts for her and boxers for me. I turned around and my jaw dropped for two reasons. The first was that in about a minute Sam had transformed my hammock chair into a freakin' cocoon of blankets. It resembled an oriole's nest more than it did a chair. The second was her body. That fockin' body. She was wearin' the tiniest lingerie ever, and I could see fockin' everythin'. Her ribs and hip jutted out almost grotesquely though. But her boobs, oh my god. Those Scandinavian melons barely contained by a thin piece of charmeuse.  
“You know, you can use t' guest room. Or like a sleepin' bag…” I said while she climbed into her colorful creation. Clearly intendin' to sleep in her scandalous underthings. Jesus Christ, she was wearin' a thong. I’ve never worn one in my life. I turned red all the way to my toes.  
“Nah, I’m chill right heya!” She said here like a very excited girl from Jersey. She tucked herself in and closed her eyes, pleased with her work. “I like the orchids though, your room used to just be purple didn’t it?” She knew damn well what my room looked like, and yes the orchids were new.  
“I added 'em because I thought t' room was rather drab.”  
“You always had a very chill room..”  
“ I saw you finished yer room.”  
“Yeah…” I looked at her, I didn’t understand how she could be so calm right now. She almost died, she would’ve died if I hadn’t been a creepy stalker. Sam opened one eye, feelin' me starin' at her. “Why are you still standing there?” She opened her other eye. “Are you ever gonna stop staring at me and turn off the lights?” She smirked as my embarrassment evolved, and my aura also turned red. I turned away and walked towards the door and put my hand on the light switch. I turned back to her.  
“Now, flick it down.” She said as if I was a little baby.  
“How are you so calm?” I couldn’t help but ask. She unsheathed her hand from my yellow baby blankie. “You literally almost died an hour ago!” She always grabbed my yellow blankie when she was he in my room. She gravitated to the blanket every time as if her soul belonged to it. She tapped her head like that answered my question.  
“I keep the screaming up here., I’ve gotten quite good at it.” Why yes, that totally made me feel so much better.  
“That doesn’t sound very healthy…”  
She shrugged. “It works.” A blanket slipped down as she shrugged again. She fixed it and nestled into the belly of the blanket monster. I put on my pj’s, took out my contacts and flicked the light switch down and walked to my bed, I sat on it and looked at Sam one last time. As my eyes adjusted I saw that she was lookin' at me too, thankfully she couldn’t see me turn red this time. Wait, if it light enough for me to see without my contacts in, she can definitely see me turn red. I was probably gonna have an aneurysm from how much blood has been rushin' around my head. 

~

I couldn’t deny the fact that just being in the same room as her instantly made me feel better. I would’ve died if she hadn’t been there tonight, and I didn’t know how I felt about that. Under the yellow blanket, I clutched my notebook to my chest. I would never let go of it again.  
I now had dozens of little poems in it, they were all in Swedish, I couldn’t find any rhymes in English. They were all about her. But she didn’t need to know that, which was a good thing it was in Swedish, she couldn’t read any of it.  
I hated that she had an effect on me. She was a nerdy, introverted, planning, never did anything on a whim girl. Basically the exact opposite of me.  
I don’t think I would have objected if I died tonight. I silently cried because I knew that was a lie thanks to Serafina. Of course, Fin couldn’t hear me cry, I was a god when it came to silent crying. There were too many things I had become good at since Fin had left. I shook a little and rocked the chair, trying to fall asleep. I knew I would be haunted by nightmares again tonight. I open my eyes again, knowing that even though Fin was now in bed she was still watching me with that stupid concerned look.  
“So, you are good? Right there? You don’t need the guest room?”  
“Oh my god Fin, I’m fine _hjälp mig!_ ”  
“Are you sure?”  
“I’m fine, _rädda mig!_ ” She frowned.  
“Are you sure, you’re sure?” This time I didn’t even respond, I just closed my eyes and tucked a blanket so that she couldn’t stare at me anymore. She huffed and I laughed a little, she immediately went quiet. She always thought she was so quiet but she totally wasn’t, at least for me.  
I hate lying  
I hate that I’ve always been good at it.  
I hate that I’d gotten even better.  
I hate that I can feel it when other people lie to me,  
And there's nothing I can do  
Like when Papa said he’d be back.  
I hate that the only person who could ever really see my lies, no longer can.  
The next day Sera fusses over me like a mama bird, I accept it, missing my own Ma. She makes eggs downstairs, telling me to wait while her Dad is downstairs, eventually, I hear the garage door and run downstairs. The smell of the eggs had been taunting me, wafting up from the kitchen. We ate together, then I went back to my house to get ready for school. When I walk outside she’s standing there like always. I grab my bicycle and walk down to her.  
“Did you ever get yer bike?” She meant the motorcycle I’d had my eye on since I was twelve.  
“I did.”  
“Where is it?”  
“Impounded.”  
“Why is it impounded?”  
“DUI.”  
“Oh my god! You got a DUI?” Sera started to freak, I knew this would happen. “What is yer full punishment?”  
“License revoked for a year, and bike impounded for a year.”  
“When will you get everythin' back?”  
“Five months, two weeks, and four days.”  
“Wow, I was expectin', like I don’t know. You to say in around two months or somethin'.”  
“I miss my baby.”  
“Clearly.” I imagined the corny flames that I hand-painted, the only color on the whole bike, even the metal was a dull black. My racing helmet was still in the garage. It was a matching dull black with room for earbuds. Ma and Papa were actually surprised that I was adamant about wearing a helmet. But I just wanted it to be able to see at high speeds. I looked everywhere for a noise canceling helmet that had room for earbuds. But it had been worth it until I got drunk one night and ended up in a ditch with another car. I would’ve had an even worse punishment but no one got hurt, and it was found that the other driver had been texting. Which apparently was cared about more than drunk driving. I was staring at my helmet. I blinked away the tears.  
“Honestly, you deserved it. Do you know how dangerous it is to be drivin' while drunk? And it’s so much more on a motorcycle!” I flinched as I remembered why I had been drunk that night. I nearly killed a man that night, and not in the car accident.  
“We should go to school now, though.”

 

 

Months passed.  
Sometimes Sam and Leah would be at school. Other times they wouldn’t.  
Sometimes Sam smelled like sweet enticin' night bloomin' jasmine. Other times it would be the weed, and even worse. Sometimes booze.  
Sometimes it felt like we had made three steps of progress. And then it felt like we took ten steps back.  
Sam lost even more weight. I started to gain weight, eatin' when I was stressed.  
“Eat.”  
“I already did.”  
“Eat.”  
“I’m not hungry!”  
“Eat!”  
“You’re just making this worse!” Sam stood up from the table and grabbed Leah. She left in the time span it took me to blink. I sat there wonderin' what I just did.  
“You shouldn’t have pushed.” I stayed silent. “This is not gonna help you be her friend or lover.”  
I know, I’m just so tired of this, Myla!” I ran a hand through my hair and tugged at it. It was one of Sam’s habits. I guess it rubbed off on me. “She won’t accept any help.”  
“She doesn’t want help.”  
“But she needs it.” Where was this conversation goin'?  
“Yes, she does. But you are forcing it on her.. You gotta be more subtle!”  
“I am subtle!” Myla hid a laugh.  
“The last three words you said to her were all 'eat' with varying degrees of anger and demanderingness. Is that even a word?” I shook my head and she laughed. “Well, it is now if it wasn’t before. And you have a lot of demagingnessessesssq!”  
“Wow, My!”  
“I’m proud of myself.”  
“I bet you are!” We grinned at each other despite me just angerin' Sam to the point of her stalkin' off, Leah in tow.  
“Ok, so what was I saying? Oh yeah, I want you to completely leave her alone for two weeks, be as platonic as possible for you. No pushing at all.”  
“I’m gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee!”  
“No, you aren’t! I believe in you Sera!” I groaned. “Then, I want you to ask her out!” Myla did jazz hands for some reason, like this was somethin' to celebrate. I groaned and grabbed my jacket from around my waist and slid it over my head. I stayed like that for two seconds before Myla ripped it off of me.  
“I think you’re as ready as you will ever be.”  
“Do you think she’ll say yes?”  
“No.”  
“OMG, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY YES, OF COURSE, SHE WILL.”  
“Lower your voice!” A few of the kids around us turned around and glared at me, I immediately went back to whisperin' and tried to make my face go back to its normal color.  
“Thanks for t' confidence boost!”  
“No problemo!” We laughed but I was too nervous about it to be a real laugh. I wasn’t sure I could handle the rejection. “Look, you’ll probably end up crashing at your house or hers, I haven’t seen her at a dance ever, that's why I’m saying that she’ll say no,” Myla told me, seein' that I was a bundle of nerves even though I had two weeks till I had to do it.  
“Probably, yeah” Myla put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed me.  
“You got this Sera, and you’ve still got a lot of time to prepare before the dance.” I smiled for real now, she had actually boosted my confidence without givin' me false hope. I was glad to have my friend, I was unsure of where I would be now without her by my side. Then we split away from each other, me goin' to study hall, and her goin' to pre-calc.  
When I got home I wrote down pick-up lines and practiced askin' her out. Thinkin' of how Sam would react if she came in and saw me doin' this I started laughin'. She would think I was so stupid if our positions were reversed she would have used her charm and just wing it like she wings everythin'. Someday she will grow wings and just wing it and fly away probably. I laughed as I imagined what she would say if she knew what I was doin' right now.  
I decided to do somethin' Sam would approve of, chance and luck. I thought to myself, if it does not snow, then everythin' will be perfectly fine and she would go out with me. I knew everythin' would be fine because this far south the last snow storm had been like twenty years ago.  
I was still a little nervous though, even knowin' that. So I searched up the weather forecast and pored over it. I filled with confidence as I saw that there was a less than forty percent chance of precipitation the next two weeks, good for me, bad for the drought, so kill me I thought I was more important for once.  
The next few weeks were pure torture, I peeled myself away from Sam and was a perfect platonic friend no matter how much I wanted to scream and jump on her (with or without clothes), but I managed, and it never snowed! I started to relax, content in the knowledge that everythin' would be fine, and I could ask her out and she would say yes but then we’d just chill at the house. I was feelin' good. The phone started to ring and I raced to it.  
“You had two weeks to live, now it’s time for you to die.” A deep dark spooky voice informed me.  
“Sup My.”  
“Hey Sera, just making sure you know what day tomorrow is,” Myla said, goin' back to her normal voice. Feelin' like one of those girls from the movies who could only use the landline, I started to twirl my hair and do poses as they did. Rememberin' that Myla was still talkin' to me I quickly stopped and answered her.  
“Oh, yeah. I know, it’s time for me to ask her out. I feel pretty good actually.” I said with a shrug, then I remembered she couldn’t see it.  
“Well, to be honest. I don’t believe you at all, so I arranged to stay at your house tonight to make sure you don’t chicken out.”  
“Did you call my Dad?”  
“Well, duh. How else could I have arranged it?” She asked, not seein' how creepy this sounded.  
“How do you know his number?” Myla was startin' to sound like the creepy psychopath she pretended to be at the beginnin' of the phone call.  
“I just called Paisanos”  
“How do you know where he works?”  
“He’s the pie guy! Everyone knows he works there! My mum loves to go down there just to get a single piece of pie!”  
“Oh yeeeeaaaah!” I forgot how good my Dad’s pies were, he never made 'em at home anymore, so I never got to taste 'em.  
“Anyways, I’m on my way now.”  
“Alright…” I sighed “I don’t really have a say in t' matter anyway.”  
“Nooope!” Then she hung up and five minutes later I opened the door for her. We played online with Mat and a few other friends for a few hours before they left. We quickly got bored playin' by ourselves so I nominated that we play never have I ever.  
“You go first Sera.”  
“Alright…” I put up my hand and she put up hers, I looked around my room lookin' for somethin' to say. The only thing I saw of any use was my razor “Never have I ever, not shaved my genitals.”  
“So we’re going in that direction.”  
“Yeperdoodle.” Myla put down a finger.  
“Okaaaaay, ummm…” Myla also looked around but didn’t seem to find anythin', or maybe she was makin' sure she didn’t find anythin'. “Never have I ever, not had sex, like any type.” She clarified. Then she glared at me when I didn’t put down a finger. I glared right back. But I slowly put a finger down, after she was sure that I had put my finger down completely she smirked and nodded.  
“So let me get this straight, you have never shaved yer bush, yet you’ve had sex?”  
“Yep.” I pretended to shudder as if that was the strangest or the grossest thing I’d ever heard.  
“Weeeird.” She laughed and lightly pushed me.  
“It was my boyfriend from back in Hawai’i.”  
“How come you never talk about him?”  
“Well, to communicate between the U.S. and Hawai’i is really expensive, even though Hawai’i technically is a part of the U.S., his family can’t afford for us to continue to communicate. So yeah, we had to break up. I don’t know if you believe in true love, but I’m telling you-” Those were tears in her eyes. “If I had stayed two years longer until I was old enough. He would have proposed. But instead.” Those were definitely tears, I got up and got a tissue, I sat back down, right next to her this time, and I put my arm around her shoulder. It was time for me to support her.  
“But instead you had to move?”  
“Yeah, Dad got a Samb offer he just couldn’t refuse no matter how much I begged, and ma wanted to live in the States anyway. So yeah, I couldn’t stay by myself.” She used the tissue and dried her eyes. “That’s why I don’t talk about him,” She gestured towards her eyes and the second tissue that she grabbed for herself. I didn’t know what to say so I just looked down at the black and green skirt splayed out from her legs and gave her another tight squeeze. “That’s also a reason why I want you to fight for Sam. I know love when I see it, I was in love, and you my dear friend, are head over heels in a pit of boiling acid called love.”  
“I’m not so sure I like that analogy…” She laughed and I was glad, I couldn’t handle her bein' sad, I wasn’t good at that sad shit. Thinkin' of what she said I blushed really hard, I both could see a life with Sam, but I also couldn’t imagine what it would be like.  
“Never have I ever jumped off a cliff.” To stop me from daydreamin' about our life and our kids in the future I started the game back up again. I turned to face Myla and turned just in time to see her teasingly put her finger halfway down extremely slowly. I reached over to push her finger down the rest of the way, but right before I reached her, she stuck her perfectly manicured finger straight back into the air. “What!” I exclaimed, exasperated. “How can you not when you live in Hawai’i?”  
“I’m afraid of heights!” This time when I pushed her she pushed me back and then we had a mini-brawl that left us breathin' heavily on the floor. Eventually, we went to bed and I forgot all about the stress of askin' Sam out.

The next day school was canceled  
Due to snow.


	4. Chapter 4

Should I update this or should I just kinda give up? Like has anyone actually read this? Gimme some feedback guys!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Ps parts of the story were written in prose butin this format it was practically destroyed so it is partially not understandable. At some point I'll try to edit it but today is not that day.


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